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2005-06-04 - 12:24 a.m.

Transcribed from my paper journal: My body is falling apart lately.

I was struck with back pain in the middle of class yesterday and have been living a sedentary life ever since. How did I hurt my back? Who knows. Perhaps I was so moved by 4th Amendment rights that my note-taking became so vigorous as to strain a muscle. After all, it is only the left side of my back that hurts and I do write with my left hand.

My left heel has been quite sore for the past two weeks as well. I was fine one day and then hobbled the next. Again, not sure how I injured myself. In my efforts not to trip across the stage during graduation did I strain something? Maybe, but I'm beginning to suspect it's plantar fasciatis which will require lots of stretching, ice, and no high impact exercise. There goes my big plan of running 15 - 20 miles/week all summer.

So without the running and struck sedentary by the back pain, I really have to start being more careful about what I eat. Ever since I finished finals I've been on one celebratory junk food rampage. I think that a few weeks of celebrating the end of law school are probably enough. I need to start making better choices. When I actually do cook, the meals are healthy, it's the snacking that's been killing me lately.

I've been feeling a little better lately about everything break up related. I had a horrible evening where the ex called to let me know that he had found a condo. In the very building that I've been reading about online oh so covetously for the past few weeks. Damn, looks like I won't be moving there any time soon. I've been reminding myself about how he has NO down payment and will probably have to pay PMI and is taking on a mortgage that is really $35,000 more than I would be willing to pay (but with more student loan debt and the same salary) but I still was beset with feelings of loss at hearing the news. How many married people would independantly choose the same exact condo? How cheap would that mortgage have been with a downpayment (from me) and split between two salaries? How much would we have enjoyed the roof deck (ROOF DECK!!!)? And the gorgeous kitchen that we could cook in together? The problem with the way everything worked out is that things were really quite good. We could have been happy together and so flashes of what could have been still kill me a little bit. It almost would have been easier if the break up had been more than the two of us thinking a lot about what we wanted for the future, him reaching the decision that he did not want to marry me, and me sadly but graciously (most of the time) moving out.

I'm not sure if I'm ready to move on, but I can almost picture myself dating someone else at times. Of course these fuzzy pictures of what maybe could be usually center around someone who I don't really know that looks good on paper. Some really impressive sort of date to take to the work black tie function next year so that the whispers get back to him that I am dating someone like Guy That Used to Work for The Firm Who Left for an Impressive Political Job and is Cute in a Geeky Way. The particular genius of that particular fantasy is that the Guy in question went to a much more impressive law school (would kill my image conscious ex who fancied himself too intellectual for me) and has the sort of job that the ex pictures himself in but is unlikely to get any time soon due to lack of friends and connections.

I think the next step I have to take is to really stop thinking about The Ex so much. Thoughts of dating someone new should be more about what I would like and less about what would really stick in his craw. A lovely smart girl that I know recently mentioned to me that she thinks there might be a statute of limitations on talking about her break up and I think she's right. I need to focus on what's ahead (the bar exam, my trip to Europe) and not how each of these events will make The Ex Rue The Day. My new mantra may have to be He Forgot My Birthday, I Will Forget Him.

But despite obsessions and injuries and intermittant sadness, I'm really getting better. And one of these days I might just kiss a new boy.



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